Veganizing Christmas Carols

"There will never be peace on earth as long as we fill our stomachs and cover our bodies with the products of suffering, death, and injustice."

-Gary Francione

Hark! The Herald Vegans Sing!

This is my favorite time of the year, mostly because of Christmas music; I can't get enough of it! This is my fifth holiday season as a vegan, and as I've become more aware of all the ways in which humans use and exploit animals, I can't help but feel inner turmoil as I sing along to songs normalizing the use of animal-drawn carriages or turkey murder. So, instead of just forgetting all these songs I know and love, I decided to just tweak them a little bit to make them friendly to all beings. So join me on our reindeer-less sleigh and sing along to these veganized Christmas carols!

"The Christmas Song"

• Original lyrics: "Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, Help to make the season bright"

  • Veganized: "Everybody knows Tofurky and some mistletoe, Help to make the season bright"

• Original lyrics: "And ev'ry mother's child is gonna spy, To see if reindeer really know how to fly"

  • Veganized: "And ev'ry mother's child is gonna spy, To see if the sleigh does magically fly"

"Jingle Bells"

• Original lyrics: "In a one-horse open sleigh"

  • Veganized: "In a one horsepower sleigh"

• Original lyrics: "Bells on bob-tail ring"

  • Veganized: "Christmas carols ring"

"Frosty the Snowman"

• Original lyrics: "There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found"

  • Veganized: "There must have been some magic in that old tophat they found"

"The Twelve Days of Christmas"

• Original lyrics: "A partridge in a pear tree"

  • Veganized: "A very, very empty pear tree"

• Original lyrics: "Two turtle doves"

  • Veganized: "Two turkey rescues"

• Original lyrics: "Three French hens"

  • Veganized: "Three foster cats"

• Original lyrics: "Four calling birds"

  • Veganized: "Four cauliflowers"

• Original lyrics: "Five golden rings"

  • Veganized: "Five bags of nooch"

• Original lyrics: "Six geese a-laying"

  • Veganized: "Six JUST Egg bottles"

• Original lyrics: "Seven swans a-swimming"

  • Veganized: "Seven wholesome smoothies"

• Original lyrics: "Eight maids a-milking"

  • Veganized: "Eight different plant milks"

• Original lyrics: "Nine ladies dancing"

  • Veganized: "Nine vegan marches"

• Original lyrics: "Ten lords a-leaping"

  • Veganized: "Ten anti-fur laws"

• Original lyrics: "Eleven pipers piping"

  • Veganized: "Eleven circus shutdowns"

• Original lyrics: "Twelve drummers drumming"

  • Veganized: "Twelve vegan months"

**Nooch = nutritional yeast

"Sleigh Ride"

• Original lyrics: "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling"

  • Veganized: "Just hear those carols jingling"

• Original lyrics: "Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you"

  • Veganized: "Come on, it's lovely weather for a sled ride together with you"

"We Wish You a Merry Christmas"

• Original lyrics: "Now bring us some figgy pudding"

  • Veganized: "Now bring us some vegan pudding"

"Here Comes Santa Claus"

• Original lyrics: "Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeers pulling on the reins"

  • Veganized: "Judy and Rudy and all his elves helping 'long the way"

• Original lyrics: "Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle, Oh what a beautiful sight, So jump in bed and cover your head, 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight"

  • Veganized: "Hear those footsteps in snow crunching, Oh what a beautiful sound, So jump in bed and cover your head, 'cause Santa Claus comes right now"

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

Yeah, maybe this one just needs to be retired. Or completely rewritten. You can take Judy and Rudy, Santa's helping elves from "Here Comes Santa Claus" if you wanna take a whack at it. I considered rewriting it more realistically, but that just made Santa sound like a sadistic slave owner. And I don't want to be the person that ruins Santa for everyone, so.... Good luck!

"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

• Original lyrics: "There'll be parties for hosting, Marshmallows for toasting"

  • Veganized: "There'll be parties for hosting, and Dandie's for toasting"

**Marshmallows contain gelatin, made from animal hooves, skin, bones, muscles, etc. Dandie's are one of the only vegan marshmallow products on the market.

"White Christmas"

• Original lyrics: "Where the treetops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow"

  • Veganized: "Where the treetops glisten and children listen to hear Santa in the snow"

"Winter Wonderland"

• Original lyrics: "Sleigh bells ring, Are you listening?"

  • Veganized: "Church bells ring, Are you listening?"

**Notes on Changes I Made

• "Sleigh bells" imply bell-adorned reindeers or horses pulling a carriage, which is why I thought it important to change this classic Christmas phrase. Additionally, a "sleigh" is just a horse-drawn (or reindeer-drawn for Santa) carriage. Therefore, I changed that word as it popped up as well.

• There are a lot of things wrong with "Sleigh Ride," but it's one of my favorite Christmas songs, so I wanted to make it work. I didn't change "Like two birds of a feather would be" because it's a popular phrase and doesn't have any explicit animal exploitation connotation. "Farmer Gray" could be a plant farmer, so that stayed, though his "birthday party" was probably not vegan-friendly. The "chocolate" and "pumpkin pie" passed around isn't always nonvegan. So, if you are genuinely triggered by Christmas carols and nonvegan ones in particular, maybe this just isn't the song for you. And I recognize that I changed "figgy pudding" to "vegan pudding" in "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," which seems to counter everything I just said. But "vegan" fit so well, so I just felt like changing it.

• Initially, I planned to include more traditional songs like "The First Noel" and "Silent Night." However, I see no way or need to change lines like this: "The first Noel the angels did say, Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay: In fields where they lay keeping their sheep." Because these are historical and traditional songs intended to convey the birth of Jesus through music and Joseph himself was a shepherd, I don't think it's necessary to try to veganize this particular term. However, if sheep and shepherds were referred to in songs made unrelated to the birth of Christ, then those could be veganized.

• "Mary, Did You Know?" is similarly difficult, though it is also one of my favorites. The lines "The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb" and "Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect lamb?" are obviously referring to the common euphemism of Jesus being a lamb. Lambs are symbolic of purity, innocence, and childhood. However, when it comes to religion, I am wary of writing off the use of the animal in this way. There's a reason we have the phrase "like a lamb to slaughter." Because Jesus is referred to as a lamb, lambs are common animals sacrificed in his name, whether that be for Easter dinners or in ancient religious practices. While I chose to not change the word this time, I am concerned over the continual use of lambs in religious language.

be conscious, be kind, be vegan