How to Talk About Veganism with People You Know

May 25, 2020

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

DOs

Have Low Expectations

You can't go into a conversation with the hope that what you say will somehow impact a carnist's entire worldview. It's highly unlikely that anything you say will make them go vegan, especially not instantly. If you have enough conversations with people you know, you'll realize that they are far less willing to listen to you than strangers. While the exact cause may be unknown, the hypothesis for this phenomenon is that they knew you before being vegan and they don't respect or understand this massive change in your attitude toward animal rights (or other areas of vegan influence); to them, because they know you, it's appropriate to make jokes about it or just write you off completely because, at the end of the day, they think that their attitude (and your belief system) isn't enough to damage the relationship. (You can learn more about this is "7 Reasons Why Your Family Isn't Vegan.")

This doesn't mean that attempting a conversation about veganism is futile, though, because you will certainly be forcing them to think about issues they've likely never considered before. Remember that you are there simply to plant seeds in their mind with the hope that one day, with proper reinforcement from other areas of their life, that seed will sprout into a new vegan.

Remember That You (Probably) Weren't Always Vegan

It can be pull-your-hair-out frustrating to have to deal with nonvegans after having a few dead-end outreach conversations with them, and living with them at home, seeing them every day at work, or just visiting on the holidays can be a significant source of stress in your life. And it's easy to get bogged down by these bottled-up feelings of vexation. But sometimes you have to take a step back, remember that it's not the end of the world if this particular person doesn't go vegan right now, and look back at your own life and your vegan journey.

I often call myself one of the "overnight vegans" because I decided to go vegan immediately after watching Earthlings, but that's not entirely true because I had taken many steps beforehand and Earthlings was the final push I needed to finally change. I had been interested in animal rights for years, watched Animal Cops and veterinary shows on Animal Planet, followed animal rights organizations like PETA on social media, and even did a presentation on animal testing in my seventh-grade Language Arts class. For my entire life, I've been interested in animal rights, far more than the average person. And it does me a lot of good to humble myself by remembering that it still took me 18 years of being an animal-loving animal exploiter before I could finally go vegan. So, I take time when I'm feeling angry to think back on my time as a pre-vegan to gain perspective on what would have been most effective for me to hear to push me closer to veganism.

Have a Gameplan

This is the biggest advantage you have when it comes to vegan outreaching: since you know the people you'll be talking to, you know what arguments could be most effective for them. Maybe they're an exercise enthusiast, so you should plan to discuss health-related topics, like the benefits of a plant-based diet for their athletic performance, blood flow, reduced inflammation and recovery time, as well as the detriments of a nonvegan diet.

There will be some vegans that say you should always talk about animal rights, which is a completely valid argument, but that won't always resonate with some people, especially depending on where you live and who you know. When I lived in Tennessee, nearly all of my friends hunted or had been hunting in the past, so it's unlikely that discussing animal rights right off the bat would have been very effective with them. By first discussing the health benefits of a plant-based diet, in the future, they will likely be much more open to other areas of animal rights.

Of course, this is a hypothetical scenario, and each conversation you have will differ from person to person. If you aren't going in to immediately discuss animal rights with them, you should still have some of that information stored away in the back of your mind. (This is especially useful when you're conversing with someone that may think they know more than you on the subject. It helps to be able to fall back on the irrefutable truth that animals are not ours to use.) Whatever way you can get someone to consider a plant-based diet, or visiting Disney instead of SeaWorld, or wearing cotton instead of wool is the first step toward getting them to consider veganism as a whole.

Bring Resources

This tip is especially useful when used along with the former step, and it also helps someone like me who is uncomfortable with these kinds of conversations. (Bringing something in hand, like a book, to a discussion creates a kind of buffer that I can use as a cornerstone of the conversation.) If I were talking to an athlete interested in a plant-based diet, I would let them borrow my copy of How Not to Die (which I probably cite in almost every blog post because I just love the book so darn much), How Not to Diet, or Proteinaholic. I'd also recommend The Game Changers as a must-see documentary, as well as What the Health or Forks Over Knives. (And if you have physical copies of these to loan out, that would be great.) If they're into podcasts, I'd share The Exam Room by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine or Switch4Good, which is co-hosted by Olympian Dotsie Bausch, and I'd also encourage them to peruse through the videos on nutritionfacts.org. Finally, I'd bring some pamphlets or my homemade info cards.

Now, please don't just throw all this information at them at once. What I would probably do is first send them an email with a link to The Game Changers, telling them why I like the movie and why I think they'd find it enjoyable and enlightening. If they're open to that, then I might offer to loan them a book, magazine, or some other reading material. (Of course, the resources you use will be different depending on the person and the angle you're using.)

*You can check out my Free Resources page to print out some info cards to help with these conversations.

Ask Questions

This is one of the tips I find the most helpful because I don't like to be the one doing most of the talking in a conversation. By asking questions, I am not only taking the pressure off of myself from having to explain everything to them, but I am forcing them to answer questions about their lifestyle which they may have never considered. But it's important to remember that this is not an inquisition; the questions you ask should be probing but come up naturally. (Don't overthink it, trying to come up with the absolute best questions to ask to get them to go vegan. Remember: have low expectations.) Because you probably care about the person with whom you're speaking, and you should know what you're going to talk about going into the discussion, it will be easier for the conversation to progress organically.

However, when possible, avoid asking them "why" questions. Let's look at an example:

Why don't you want to change?
- This sounds confrontational and aggressive, as if you're berating them and demanding an answer.
What is it about your current diet holding you back from making a change?
- Though asking a similar question, this sounds far more accessible, like you actually are interested in determining what is preventing them from trying a plant-based diet. When using this language, it sounds more like you are coming from a place of understanding and helpfulness instead of derisiveness.
- Additionally, you have the advantage of knowing the likely answers to the questions you ask. For this one, it probably has something to do with cheese, so you should be prepared with information to relay about the health, environmental, and ethical horrors of dairy.

Have a Clear Head & Be Positive

This is an underrated step for good communication because your mindset going into it will inevitably influence the way a conversation unfolds. If you're down in the dumps and pessimistic that nothing you say will ever get them to change their mind, then that's probably how the discussion will go. But if you keep your expectations low, remind yourself that whatever you say can only have a positive impact on them and won't make things any worse for the animals, then the conversation will likely have a better outcome.

Since the conversations, in this scenario, often arise organically -- as in, you're not marching up to their house and telling them, "We're going to talk about veganism now" -- it's important to always be prepared for whenever you may be presented with an opportunity to open the discussion to veganism. So, stay mindful of where you are, with whom you're speaking, and how the conversation is going.

Be Genuine

Don't try to act differently than normal when conversing with this person. And you should never try to shoehorn in some tidbit of outreach when it's uncalled for; don't worry, you'll get your opportunity to talk about it. (In my experience, people simply can't help but talk about all the nonvegan food they like to eat.) It's better to go into a conversation without the expectation that you're going to discuss veganism but to have the topic come up in a natural way, like in response to something they said or when talking about what you've been doing lately. Just remember to be yourself. That will put everyone involved at ease.

Pause

This is probably the step at which I excel because I am a master of awkward silences. I actually got this idea from Jasmin Singer of Our Hen House, and she calls it the "power of the pause." It's the idea that when someone says something offensive or ignorant to you, that instead of responding immediately, you let their words hang in the air for a moment. We often feel the need to keep the conversation going and avoid these silences at all costs, but allowing time for their words to settle, for them to think about what they just said to you and how you may be reacting on the inside, can often be more effective than speaking. They may feel the need to cover it up with an apology or by quickly shifting the conversation, uncomfortable with what they've just said; it forces them to take accountability for their words. In any case, it will make them consider how and why they said what they did and curious as to why you reacted that way.

Walk Away

While this could be meant literally, I think it's more important to take this as a final step. As in, walk away from that relationship. Of course, this isn't always easy, particularly with family, but if you have, on several occasions and over an extended period of time, tried to talk to a particular person about veganism and have received absolutely no positive response, then it's probably healthier for you to remove yourself from that toxic relationship. Instead, focus on talking to other people that are more open to what you have to say.

And if you're worried that by walking away from that obstinate person you're letting the animals down, you aren't. If this person isn't going to go vegan, then they just aren't, no matter how hard you try. It's difficult to accept this, and it's one of the main reasons why we keep going back to these toxic people and driving ourselves crazy in the process, but we simply cannot get everyone to go vegan. Additionally, leaving them sends a far more powerful message than your words ever could. You're telling them that they've let you down irrevocably, that they've lost you from their life because of their stubbornness, that your values are, in fact, strong enough to let them go, despite the pain it may cause to lose them.

DON'Ts

NEVER Insult Them

Sometimes you want to say, "I know you're just a carnist and are completely ignorant to the consequences of your actions, but the way you live is evil." But that will never work and will only serve to push them away from veganism. Instead, use the prior steps -- take a pause, walk away, remember your pre-veganism, ask questions, stay positive -- to avoid getting confrontational and rude. Remember that you are the face of veganism and that the way you act and react will impact their perception of all vegans. (No pressure!) It's irritating that we have to take the high road and just let people be mean sometimes, but we must always keep in mind that whatever they say to us is nothing compared to how the animals suffer. We are doing this for the greater good.

If you do feel really angry with them, try the trick of writing a letter containing all your frustrations and not sending it. Keep a journal, start a blog or podcast, make YouTube videos, do something to vent your feelings and frustration. But never be anything less than considerate to them.

NEVER Get Angry

As I said in "7 Ways to Handle Being an Angry Vegan," there is a time and place to use anger, and it can be incredibly effective in certain forms of activism. However, when talking with friends, family, coworkers, and other people you know, it will only serve to push them further away from veganism. Discussing veganism with carnists is like trying to safely capture a stray dog. If you move too suddenly or speak too loudly, you're going to scare them off. You need to entice them with treats and soft words of encouragement. Instead of raising your voice and speaking at nonvegans, keep a level head and try to have a respectful discussion with them.

NEVER Talk Down to Them

It should never sound like you are a know-it-all, no matter how educated you may be on vegan issues. You want to be talking as equals. This is one of the reasons why asking questions is important: it prevents you from going on and on about all the things you know about veganism that they don't. It's also helpful to remember that you weren't always vegan and to share that with them. Say, "I didn't know this either," or, "I just found out that...," or, "I couldn't believe that...." It makes you seem more accessible and understanding of where they're coming from, and it makes them feel more comfortable talking to you about it, knowing that you won't chastise them for their ignorance.

be conscious, be kind, be vegan