Should Vegans Eat With Nonvegans?
"Peace is not merely the absence of tension; it is the presence of justice."
-Martin Luther King Jr.
Like a Morgue
Eating with nonvegans can be one of the most difficult experiences for a vegan, especially when you’re first starting out. Seeing the bodies of animals cooked and dressed up on a dinner table is nauseating, depressing, and infuriating. And when we’re put in that situation, surrounded by people who have no idea how that makes us feel, it’s nearly impossible to have a polite discussion about it. I’ve flip-flopped on what my stance is, but I’m hoping that by writing it all out here, I’ll come to a decision by the end of this post. So let’s get into it!
Why You Should Eat With Nonvegans
First, let’s discuss the positive aspects of eating with nonvegans. You get to show them how beautiful, delicious, and, most importantly, normal vegan food really is. Maybe I’m biased, but I think the majority of carnists think vegans just eat “rabbit food.” Or they think we’re hippie vegetarians from the 1960s. By eating with them, you’re removing at least some of the unfortunate stigma associated with veganism. Open-minded friends, family, and colleagues may even be influenced by your awesome food and choose to try some vegan foods or products. And one less carnist meal is one less dead animal.
Feeling Normal
Doing this also makes it easier to do “normal” things, especially during your transition or early phase of veganism where you’re not entirely sure how to live your life now. You can always find something to eat at any restaurant, even though it may just be a salad (which we’ll get into very soon), and if you’re eating at someone else’s house, it takes a lot of pressure off them if you’re willing to just bring your own food or give them options for things to make for you.
Don't Risk Your Values
I’m trying to think of more positives, but I honestly can’t. If you couldn’t tell by the name of this blog, I am not a people person. So I really have no interest in eating with other people, especially if there will be nonvegan food. I just don’t need or want that kind of energy in my life. Whenever I see a plate next to mine that has a piece of meat or a slice of cheese on it, I feel sick to my stomach. And I shouldn’t have to set aside my values and force myself to be uncomfortable just to make some carnists feel ok about their habits. And this brings me to the beginning of a much longer list of cons than I initially anticipated. (It’s not that long, don’t worry.)
We should never have to risk our own mental health to conform or be complicit in our carnist society. Sitting at a table eating your vegan food while everyone else is consuming dead animal products is an example of what Martin Luther King Jr. called "negative peace." It refers to the absence of visible tension or violence, usually at the cost of another person or group; this is different from positive peace, which intentionally seeks the inclusion and comfort of all beings. When you agree to sit at a nonvegan table, you are telling those people that veganism is a personal choice, that you are ok with them continuing to eat animals. And if we ever want to see a time when the world is vegan, we must stand up for what we believe and tell others that it is not morally acceptable to eat other animals.
Thursdays
Let me tell you a little story. My dad was (and still is), as Dr. Garth Davis puts it, a proteinaholic. He grew up eating lots of meat and that was just part of who he was; I never had any hope he’d change. After I went vegan, neither of my parents took any issue with it really (I think they thought it was just a phase). And luckily, I was in college, so I wasn’t home much. But when I was home, the worst was Thursdays. That was when our local grocery store offered a big sale on barbecue ribs. Oh, how my dad loved Thursdays. He would excitedly go to the store and buy a big plastic container filled with two racks. Just thinking about this makes me want to throw up. (Sorry if that’s too much information.)
I would sit there eating my veggie burger or plate of pasta, and those ribs would stare at me. His fingers would get all covered in sauce as he stripped each bone clean of its flesh. And I would feel so terrible after every meal like that, not knowing what to say or do to get through to him or my mom about this. (My mom didn’t eat red meat at the time, because she was similarly disgusted by the thought of eating pigs and cows.) It wasn’t until three years after I went vegan that I sat both my parents down, which they probably wouldn’t have done so willingly if it weren’t my birthday (there's an activism tip for you!), and over the course of a few days, I had them watch What the Health, Cowspiracy, Gary Yourofsky’s speech, and, finally, Dominion. After that, they both went plant-based. Now I can feel good knowing that at least when I’m with my parents, I don’t have to worry about feeling that way anymore.
Under Pressure
If you do choose to eat around nonvegan foods, that puts a lot more pressure on you to really sell how great your vegan meal is. That becomes a real challenge when you’re at a nonvegan restaurant (you know those ones where an option they give you is to have a quesadilla without the cheese), especially when no one really knows what veganism is. Yes, you can educate them on it, hopefully planting seeds for future vegan options. But oftentimes, your best option is a salad, usually without croutons, parmesan, bacon, or with a different dressing. Way to be a stereotype. Yes, some salads are magnificent, but most aren’t, particularly at a nonvegan restaurant where it’s just a way for them to say, “Yes, we have vegan options here.” No one is impressed by a generic salad, and no one will want to go vegan when they see you eating it. A better option is to invite people to your house and cook (or buy) a vegan feast for them. Then, you control their perception of veganism, which is much easier when you know their tastes and arguments against it.
The Liberation Pledge
So, if you don’t want to eat around nonvegan food, what do you do? It’s quite simple, really. Just don’t participate in activities that use animals. One way to do this is by taking the Liberation Pledge. Many people are turned off by this because it seems too restrictive. They’re afraid it will ostracize them even more than being vegan already does (which really is unfortunate and shows how judgmental us silly humans are). I understand that, and I felt the same way too until I heard the real meaning behind the Pledge by someone who’s taken it.
Ethically Consistent
It’s not just an eating pattern; it’s a stance against injustice and for nonviolence. The purpose of it is to show respect to the victims whose bodies are being served at those tables at which you would be seated and to encourage others to do the same. It is also a form of being ethically consistent. In this video, Alex Bez gave the great example that almost no one in our society would feel comfortable sitting at a table or in any way participate in a meal where dogs or cats were being served. When we choose to sit at a table with cows or chickens, our speciesist minds are saying that it’s still somehow different than dogs. Just because we have normalized the consumption of some animals, that doesn’t mean it’s ok or we should condone it by politely sitting silently as your friends and family gorge on their flesh.
And it is difficult to be the quiet vegan when these thoughts are going through your head at the dinner table. You may feel the need to talk to someone about it, but there is very little chance of a peaceful discussion when your dining partners are literally shoveling corpses in their mouths. It will cause them to feel defensive, and they could lash out at you, attacking your values to make themselves feel better. Even before I was vegan, I gave up red meat, and my friends thought that was strange.
Plants, Though
One of my friends would sometimes make bacon jokes or even bring up the “plants, though” argument. I was only 10 or 11 years old, so I had no idea what to say to such a ridiculous comment at the time. (Like, obviously plants don't feel pain!) Even going against the norm by eating the flesh of a chicken instead of a cow in burger form is seen as too strange. I wonder how any of them would’ve reacted to my vegan burgers. (Actually, I did notice soon after I went vegan many years later and began posting PETA videos and such online, that “plants, though” friend and I suddenly weren’t friends on Facebook anymore. Interesting, isn’t it?)
2 > 1
I do want to address a stigma that seems to be associated with the Liberation Pledge. The Pledge has nothing to do with nonvegans themselves. This isn’t a way to discriminate against people still consuming animal products. In fact, the whole point is to encourage more nonvegan people to try vegan food. At the end of the day, the animals don’t care if a nonvegan saw your Beyond Burger and thought it looked tasty. They care if you and your friend both ate a Beyond Burger. The purpose is to have peaceful discussions over good food and to encourage nonvegans to realize how amazing it is to be vegan.
Follow Your Heart
In closing, I’m not trying to force my beliefs on anyone here. I do think, however, that we should be very mindful of how we portray ourselves as vegans to the nonvegan world. And if you’re like me and are scared of committing to the Liberation Pledge or somehow failing if you go out to eat where nonvegan food is being served, just step back and think of how far you’ve come in your life. It’s likely that you weren’t born vegan, but you somehow found it and subsequently changed your entire life because of that. That’s already extraordinary. You could just think of this as part of your vegan journey. And you don’t have to sign an official pledge or make a blood oath. It’s a decision inside yourself as another way to stand up against injustice. And if you’re not ready to take the Pledge now, that’s fine. But you should at least be aware of both sides of the argument before making up your mind.
be conscious, be kind, be vegan