Should Vegans Date Non-Vegans?
"Expectation is the root of all heartache."
-Unknown
Personal Choice
First things first, the answer to this question is entirely up to each individual, and anything I say is just based on my opinion. Because this is a topic with which many vegans grapple, I hope that by sharing my thoughts I can offer a new perspective for those who may be struggling with finding the answers on their own.
Therefore, I will be separating this post into three sections: the positives of dating non-vegans, the negatives of dating non-vegans, and further advice for finding a compatible partner. Again, determining which factors are most and least important in your love life is entirely up to you, but I will be offering my perspective on issues I'd consider important when looking for a partner.
Positives of Dating Non-Vegans
1. You could potentially make a new vegan, even if the relationship ultimately doesn't succeed.
2. You can better understand non-vegan perspectives to improve your activism techniques, become a more powerful voice for the animals, and relate better to other non-vegans in your life.
3. You can grow and learn together and become better people (and, hopefully, better vegans) because of the experience of being with someone who may not share your same beliefs.
4. You will, at the very least, be exposing a carnist to the vegan philosophy and showing them that vegans aren't as extreme or weird as they may have believed before. Even if the relationship doesn't work out, you have likely done more to improve their perspective on veganism and animal rights issues than if you hadn't dated them (as long as you're not a total jerk). Really, there's no harm in just giving it a shot, and if it doesn't last, then it doesn't last.
5. You aren't limiting your pool of potential partners by refusing to consider anyone who isn't already vegan, increasing your probability of finding someone you actually like.
6. You open yourself up to the possibility of finding happiness with someone you wouldn't have found otherwise. Also, you're acknowledging that just being vegan isn't enough to make a relationship successful and that veganism, or ethics as a whole, is just one of many factors that determines compatibility between people.
Negatives of Dating Non-Vegans
*Quick note: These negatives are largely based on the assumption that your partner never becomes vegan.
1. They may never go vegan, and depending on how serious the relationship gets, you could be living with that knowledge forever.
2. You may go into the relationship with hopes that you can change them, but you aren't successful. And if you become very attached to the person, you may stay with them even though you can't bear the thought that they don't understand such a huge part of your life, causing serious problems for both your relationship and your mental health.
3. You could cause yourself a lot of harm by forcing yourself to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship because you feel an obligation to stick around to keep trying (and failing) to turn them vegan.
4. You may feel like you can't fully be yourself around them, and that might make you feel self-conscious and isolated, always watching your words and actions so as to not offend them.
5. You may put all your faith in veganism to save the relationship, even though veganism won't help other deep-seated problems already present. Some people just aren't right for each other, and turning them vegan probably won't change that.
6. There is a steep learning curve when it comes to teaching your partner about veganism, and if they do choose to go vegan, you'd have to deal with all those basics again instead of just being with someone who already totally aligns with your values.
7. If there's a nasty breakup down the road, that may sully their perception of veganism and make them less likely to make positive changes in the future (though this also means they didn't really understand the ethics in the first place).
Advice
1. Determine what is most important to you when it comes to relationships. It's more important to know yourself and what you want and need in a relationship than to only consider the qualities of your potential partner.
2. If you do choose to date a non-vegan, set down some basic ground rules to help keep you both feeling comfortable, such as how and where you eat when together or places you will or won't go on dates -- it's important that they're very aware of your ethics, even if they don't fully understand or agree with them, so there's no confusion, mistakes, or resentment. If they, for instance, won't agree to not eating animal products around you, then maybe they just don't like you that much, and you should probably move on, even if you really like them.
3. Do not ever tell a non-vegan that you have some grand scheme to turn them vegan, even if you do; nobody wants to go into a relationship thinking that their partner is trying to control or change them. Instead, tell them that if they aren't interested in changing their lifestyle (right now), then you just want them to respect you and your choices. (Also, it may be helpful to remind them that you weren't always vegan and that you remember how they're feeling.)
4. Overall, you're not committing to a blood oath just by going on some dates with a non-vegan, so there's not much harm in giving it a try, though I understand how unappealing the idea can seem. But again, most of us weren't always vegan, and it would behoove us to remember that more often.
be conscious, be kind, be vegan
Related posts you may enjoy:
"The Importance of Self-Love in the Vegan Movement"
"How to Get People to Understand Veganism"
"9 Kinds of Carnists & How to Deal With Them"