When I Lost My Humanity: My Vegan Story
“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”
–Edward Everett Hale
Selflessness
What does it mean to lose your humanity when you know how awful creatures humans truly are? When you've seen the victims of our actions? I think it is that moment in life when you stop thinking about yourself, when you put aside your judgment and discrimination and excuses. It’s the time when you decide to go against your instinct to fit in with the crowd and stand up to them instead. It’s when you learn who you really are and who you want to be. When you find a love outside of yourself, more important than yourself. This is the story of how I lost my humanity.
The Film That Changed My Life
I don’t know why I decided to sit down and watch Earthlings when I did. I felt compelled to watch it right then and there for some reason. (For context, before I canceled my Netflix subscription, my List probably had close to 100 movies and shows that I always said I would watch someday, but I probably only watched [or started to watch before getting bored] a grand total of five new shows and maybe a dozen movies over the course of three years. In other words, I'm not quick to watch things.) I like to think that something in my soul knew that was what I had to do, that it would be a huge and defining moment in my life. Like that was the time for me to become a vegan. I had been heading in that direction for a long time, most of my life, but I’m so glad it happened when it did. All vegans say that the only thing they regret about going vegan was that they wish they’d done it sooner. However, for me, I’m glad it happened when it did. (Of course, I wish it were sooner for the sake of the animals and the planet.) I think veganism found me when I most needed it in my life. And it saved me.
Vegans Are Crazy!
My vegan beginnings were much like everyone else’s. When I first learned what veganism was, I was perplexed by the idea that anyone could make the decision to not eat any animal products. I knew about vegetarianism, and I understood it (to an extent). But choosing to not drink milk and to eat eggs, ice cream, or cheese seemed completely insane. And you should know that I was obsessed with milk, all dairy products actually. But I could sit down and drink an entire gallon of milk. It was so cool and refreshing, and I loved everything about it. (Honestly, just thinking about that makes me feel so gross and slightly sick to my stomach. I’ll need to go drink a nice big glass of oat milk after this.) Ironically, a friend of mine was completely put off by milk, saying that it was cow mucus (though she was not vegan or vegetarian). I, of course, had to defend my favorite drink and adamantly denied that. It’s funny how much my perspective has changed since then.
My First Vegan Encounter
I should probably mention that I was about six or seven years old at the time I first was introduced to veganism. My mom and I were in Whole Foods doing some grocery shopping, and I, of course, was looking at all the delicious cookies. I saw one labeled as vegan, and was confused, as I had never heard the term before. If you couldn’t eat milk, eggs, or butter, that meant you couldn’t have tasty treats, and those vegan cookies probably tasted like cardboard. It just didn’t make any sense to give up these foods, especially since it caused no pain, suffering, or death to the animals, which is what’s most important.
That was the last time I ever discussed veganism with any member of my family for about 11 or 12 years until I finally realized that everything I thought I knew (or, more importantly, what I didn’t even think of) about animal agriculture was quite literally the opposite of what it is. I knew I had to be vegan. Luckily, my parents supported my decision, even if they didn’t really understand why their daughter, who was one of the pickiest eaters on the face of the planet, was actually choosing to give up some of her favorite foods.
My War With Food
When I say I’m picky, I mean it. I hated food. I hated eating. I wished some magical pill would be invented so I never had to eat again. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. That doesn’t seem natural, does it? To hate food? Funnily enough, I was always really grossed out by meat – I refused to touch it raw, and even when it was cooked, I only ever really ate it because that’s just what we did. Sometimes it was ok, but most of the time, I didn’t care much for it. I only really enjoyed pasta, chocolate and candy, and maybe apples. There was very little variation or diversity in my diet, much to the chagrin of my parents who loved everything.
My Appreciation For Food
That all changed after going vegan, though. I began to try new foods, and I began to enjoy eating. Even stranger, I began to enjoy cooking. Making a meal all by myself or creating a dish gave me so much pride. Now, I’m nothing close to being a chef, but I’ve grown to appreciate food so much more than I ever had. I look forward to trying new foods, and things I despised and cringed at before, I hungrily devour whenever they’re on my plate. It’s truly remarkable what a vegan diet, what I once thought to be so restrictive and bland, has done for my relationship with food.
The First Step
The only other step I had taken before converting was when I was about ten years old. My mom and I were on one of our long car rides driving to visit my grandmother. We were cruising along the highway when a massive semi-truck rolled up on our right. Peering out the chilly window, I realized that behind the holes in the side of the truck, there were dozens of pigs stuffed in the two levels. I voiced my disgust and pain at seeing those beautiful creatures trapped in there, undoubtedly on their way to their death.
By the time we arrived at my grandmother’s, we had to break the news to her that we wouldn’t eat red meat anymore, much to her chagrin. She chastised my mother, arguing that a growing young girl needed to get all those essential nutrients (that I couldn’t get from poultry, fish, or other animal products) from red meat. She passed away a few years after that, and I wonder what she would think of me now. I’d like to believe she’d be proud of me.
A Shift in Perspective
After that point, I started to view food a little differently. Whenever I saw a pork chop, T-bone steak, or rack of ribs, I felt disgusted that people could actually see that as food. My friends at school would sometimes poke fun at my “ethical” decision, having no clue why I did it. I sometimes had to bring my own food to sleepovers and girl scout camping trips, and it was awkward being the only one choosing to eat turkey bacon over pig bacon. However, it didn’t prevent me from socializing with friends like any other child. I didn’t judge them (too much) for eating pigs and cows. I just ate differently. Of course, that all changed when I became vegan.
A Chasm Between Us
When you’re vegan, you’re aware of how different you really are. You become more self-conscious about basically everything about yourself. And that doesn’t help if, like me, you deal with social anxiety. I’ve always been hyper-aware of myself and of other people. I make sure every action, word, and thought is socially acceptable. My brain says that’s what I need to do to survive. I must not stand out, and I must be afraid of people. I must stay shut away in my house for protection, and any contact with the outside world must be brief. I might sound like a crazy person, but that’s the way I think.
Animals Are A Little Different, Too
And, no, I can’t just get over it, because that’s not the way things like this work. It’s just part of who I am, and in a strange way, veganism has helped me accept this part of myself. And I think my deep love for animals stems from this. I’ve never been comfortable around humans, but I don’t have to worry with animals. They can’t judge me, and they can’t hate me. They don’t hurt me. They are kind and innocent and gentle. And I see part of myself in them, the part of me that isn’t quite like everyone else. The part that doesn’t fit in with our modern society. The part that wants to run away from other people.
Destiny?
I’d like to believe that it was somehow fated for me to be an animal person. I was born when my parents were dog-sitting, and I always tried to surround myself with dogs after that. Luckily, my parents continued to dog-sit until I was old enough to take over (as much as a nine-year-old can). Of course, I was more interested in cuddling with and playing with the dogs instead of feeding them or picking up poop.
Around when I decided to cut out red meat, I also started watching the Animal Cops shows on Animal Planet. I really began to immerse myself in (domestic) animal rights, and I knew that my life would have to contain some relation to animals. I just never thought things like that were plausible or realistic. But I continued doing this. As I got older, I began to follow PETA, but I either ignored or never noticed things related to anything other than dogs. It wasn’t until August 5, 2015 that Earthlings popped up on my Facebook timeline, and I decided to sit down and watch it immediately. All of it. Because I knew that I couldn’t stop, I had to try to watch – even harder, I had to try to listen to – everything. I had to know what was going on, what I was contributing to my entire life. I don’t know why I did it, but I’m glad I did.
It is no secret that humanity has terrorized and destroyed the planet, probably beyond any point of salvation. I feel deep regret and shame for all that humans have done to the world and to our fellow Earthlings. Because of this, I feel the duty to create a positive influence on the world, even if that means just living a vegan lifestyle. Even if other humans continue to ravage the planet, I will always follow the beliefs in my heart until humanity changes or the world ends. Though I may be trapped in a human body, I am no longer defined merely by my species. I am an Earthling.
be conscious, be kind, be vegan