How to Handle Holidays, Birthdays & Other Occasions with Nonvegans
"Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace.”
–Albert Schweitzer
'Tis the Season
If you’re like me, the holiday season is your favorite time of year. That span from October through December is what I live for. Bring on the vegan pumpkin pie, Tofurkey roasts, and lots and lots of other vegan treats! However, if you’re like me, you also dread the holidays because they mean spending time with family. Yikes! That sounds bad, and I don’t mean it to. Going to relatives’ houses for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter always seemed like a chore filled with awkward small talk and foods I never liked, especially after going vegan. But now I’ll attempt to tell you what I do to survive the holidays with nonvegans.
1. Avoid
Luckily, I don’t have to do this much anymore because I don’t live near any extended family members. However, if I did, my mind would immediately think of how I could avoid going at all costs. When I was in college, that was always a great (and true) excuse because I was either working or in class, therefore making me unable to go to the many weddings of my cousins or travel around the holidays since it was the only time I really had to be at home with my parents. So, my first piece of advice is just to avoid it. But I totally understand if you still want to carry on loving family traditions and see them, even if it’s only once a year.
2. Communicate
The most important part of visiting with family over the holidays is to communicate with them beforehand. You must be very clear about what veganism is and the things you do and don’t eat, wear, and use now. This will prevent mistakes, and the subsequent tension, of accidentally being served nonvegan food or receiving a nonvegan gift (though it’s not really an accident if you don’t tell them first!). It saves a lot of awkwardness (and hopefully some animal lives) to just get it out of the way before you get there.
3. Prepare
If your friends or family are really put-off by the idea of veganism and vegan food, offer to make and bring your own food. (You could even just buy something from the grocery store and bring it with you.) But make sure there’s always enough for everyone to get a taste of the vegan goodness! That helps to relieve a lot of stress from a family member that may have no idea what a vegan pie or roast is. And if they’re willing, you could even send them some vegan recipes for them to try out.
4. Eat Before
If you’re at a wedding or some other social function in which there is absolutely no vegan option, even upon request, make sure to eat something beforehand or bring a snack to eat there. If you get there hungry and there are a bunch of nonvegan foods being served, that will be a terrible temptation and could lead to hangry arguments. I’ve been there before, and it makes me feel so disgusting and dirty to feel tempted by a nonvegan food. It’s so wrong, and my mind recognizes that that isn’t really food – it’s someone’s body or a baby’s milk or the product of baby boys being ground up alive – but my stomach is telling me to get sustenance from it. Just avoid that feeling by filling up with hearty vegan foods beforehand. Easy peasy!
5. Talk to Someone
If you feel comfortable with a particular family member or friend that will be there, try talking with them about it alone or beforehand. This will help them to understand where you’re coming from. Even if they don’t fully comprehend it all, it will make you feel less alone to have a compatriot, an advocate that can help speak up for you when the inevitable questions come.
6. Answer Questions
Have answers to questions they’ll ask. Please check out my prior posts on how to talk to carnists (linked below), which will help you deal with the various arguments you may face, especially if you’re the only vegan. Most of the time, people will try to be respectful, but family is usually a different story. They may feel more comfortable throwing barbs at you, not realizing how serious the topic is. A really great resource is the book Beyond Beliefs by Dr. Melanie Joy, the creator of the word "carnism." In it, she discusses the various perspectives (both the vegan and the nonvegan) of these kinds of conversations and how each side can communicate effectively. It’s a great read for you and your nonvegan friends and family to help them understand you a little better.
7. Avoid, Pt. 2
Sometimes it’s best to just avoid the topic. If you’re uncomfortable talking about veganism or you just don’t want to deal with the drama that may ensue (which is totally me), try to steer clear of the issue. Most people would rather talk about themselves anyway, so ask questions about what’s going on in their lives. They’ll probably completely forget about the whole vegan thing.
8. Veganize It
Ask for vegan gifts. My half-brother and his wife always ask what I want for Christmas, and since going vegan, I just ask everyone to donate to a vegan institution for me. This can include sanctuaries (for me, it was The Gentle Barn), activist groups (like Direct Action Everywhere), vegan organizations (like Mercy for Animals), or anything else you’d like. This year, I’ll be asking for donations to Plants-4-Hunger.
9. Veganize Them
Give them vegan gifts. Obviously, your gifts would be vegan, even if they’re going to nonvegans. But I got this idea from a couple featured on That Vegan Couple’s podcast. For each guest at their wedding, they made a donation to an animal sanctuary. (You can listen to that episode here.) Of course, most of their guests weren’t vegan, but what were the nonvegans going to do in that situation? Say that they didn’t want money to be donated to help animals? Probably not. You could do something similar for any occasion, really. For someone’s birthday or a holiday, you can make a donation in their name to a sanctuary or vegan charity. If you have some very speciesist family members, a good option would be Plants-4-Hunger, which I mentioned above, a campaign to donate plant-based foods to people in need across the world. I can’t imagine anyone having a problem with a gift like that.
Since I'm a part-time dog sitter/walker, as my holiday gift to my clients, I'm making a donation for them to Beagle Freedom Project. Even though none of my clients (human, canine, or feline) are vegan, it was still important to me that I give them a vegan gift. But it also had to be something to which they could relate, something associated with companion animals that can extend their compassion for dogs and cats to other kinds of animals. That's how I landed on BFP: they're a vegan organization that saves animals of all species used in animal testing and research. The name comes from the fact that many dogs are used in science, and beagles are targeted because of their generally docile nature. So, I get to share just a little bit of this information, plant a few seeds, while wrapping it all up as a nice holiday present.
10. Connect With Kids
Talk to children. Oftentimes, adult family members are too far gone to have meaningful conversations with. But younger kids love animals, and it’s much easier to have a discussion about veganism with them. (Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.) Last Christmas, I sent my half-brother’s four-year-old daughter two vegan children’s books. One was The Help Yourself Cookbook for Kids by Ruby Roth, and the other was Not a Nugget by Stephanie Dreyer. The reasoning for this was twofold. First, I wanted her to have a least a little bit of exposure to veganism at her young age, especially since my family is very, very nonvegan. Second, I knew her parents would be reading her those books. If she was listening to those words coming from her parents, and they were telling them to their innocent child (and pet dog), I’m hoping a few little seeds will be planted in their minds too.
Enjoy It
At the end of the day, it will probably be difficult the first few times you have to deal with ignorant comments or jokes, but eventually your friends and family will forget about it and recognize it as simply part of who you are. It’d be great if you could get them to go vegan, but don’t put that burden on yourself. Just try to enjoy your time with family and friends as much as you can. But if you want more advice about talking to family, stay tuned next week!
be conscious, be kind, be vegan